I wake every day.
I crawl out of bed (literally, my room is small, my bed it too big for it).
I put on coffee or tea, depending on my mood.
I use the bathroom, Take a shower if time and schedule permit, get dressed, do my light makeup, and spritz my perfume.
I pour a shot of apple cider vinegar, a small glass of lemonade, and fix my coffee.
I plug my nose, and shoot the vinegar, then chug the lemonade. The lemonade cancels out the disgusting taste of the vinegar.
I drink my coffee or tea while listening to music, sometimes I’ll have a cup of yogurt and/or a fruit for breakfast… Then go about my day.
Typically its studying and taking exams, 3 of those days I babysit for a few hours. then I go to one or both of my real jobs, come home, play a game, and repeat the process.
I wake 7 days a week. I sleep most nights. but only for a couple hours.
BUT WHY? Why do I wake every morning… Why do I waste my time getting ready for the day, why do I spend it doing the things I do? I hate most days the ONLY days I wake willingly, are the ones I babysit. that little boy is so cute and funny even at 6 months…
Every other day, I have to pry myself out of bed, force myself awake. I have nightmares every single time I sleep, whether its bedtime or dozing off the images in my head are frightening, I’m single, and I’ll never have kids of my own… I can adopt but it’s really not the same thing.
Every day someone does something to make me feel worthless, tells me I can’t do something or I’ll never be good enough…
I try SO hard to rise above, to be everything they say I can’t. It is very hard though, very hard to remain positive in such a negative world.
I feel empty and tired all the time, I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and sometimes, even though I would never act on it, at least, Not in the last 8 years, I feel it would be easier, to just… Go back to hell.
Because, earth… FUCKING SUCKS.
*SIGH* I’m … just so tired of never being happy or having a chance to breathe…
I’m moving… in March/April… and I know when I do I will FINALLY be free but sometimes I’m just not sure if I will last that long without being committed or sent to jail…