Dear Diary~

For the first time ever, I feel like I am writing an actual diary entry.  Why?

Because I’m about to be vulnerable as. FUCK. I have a crush… I’m a grown ass woman, with a crush. Not a “Never gonna happen cuz he’s fine as fuck and makes 50 million dollars a day from his zillion pack abs alone” crush… But the kind you get on someone in high school, where you secretly make googly eyes at them, stare at their pictures, while you picture the perfect first date while scribbling your names and hearts on your notebook. How there is that one song that just fits how you feel. OR… 3 songs in this case… The kind where you wake up super early or don’t go to bed at all just to talk to them…

The type of crush where there is that one song that just fits how you feel. OR… 3 songs in this case… The kind where you wake up super early or don’t go to bed at all just to talk to them…

THAT KIND OF CRUSH…

The crush you are afraid to pursue, because she is gorgeous, funny, and you could get lost in her eyes. She’s everything you want in a woman, and what you want, isn’t the type of woman you had imagined before. The kind where she’s all you think about. But she’s so far out of your league… She’s perfect (in your eyes), and you are a troll….

The kind that falls dangerously close to irrevocably and most likely unrequited love, the type of crush that your heart doesn’t want to know if it’s possible that this other human, could reciprocate your feelings. You don’t want to know whether their heart beats faster, and slower at the same time, as yours does, if they feel the butterflies or if they get shy and nervous like you do. But at the same time, you REALLY need to know…

But you are afraid, everything you want to say, you hold deep inside your head because you know they will laugh at you. and if you do say something, you play it off as if you are joking…

I do most of everything I have portrayed here, except staring the pictures all day, because the image is burned into my skull as if someone took a hot brand to the inside of my eyelids….

I Can take these feelings to the bank though, with my heart, and leave them there to collect interest and dust…. I am also afraid to pursue… not because I am unsure…but because I am very sure… Disaster follows me, and I don’t want them to be hurt because of me… Because I cant escape the beings that tear at my soul… I am afraid to love, openly. So I put up defenses.. maybe I will pull them out again, in a million years when I find the next human I like, and cannot have. Why do I always fall for those who are untouchable…. The last person I truly felt this way about, admittedly sometimes I go through short phases of smaller scale crushes, it was hard to put my feelings on the back burner for their happiness. Now, I must do the same because I don’t think I can be their happiness.

But then again… MAYBE this person, could someday return my feelings and be willing to exchange hearts,despite the possibility of war…

The funny thing is.. I realized recently… That if it meant giving up sprinkles for this person, I so could, and would, because they are worth it… She… Is worth it.

Part of me hopes she sees it,  part dreads it.

If anything, and nothing else I want her to know this very last part of everything contained in every fiber of my being: You, are beautiful, even if you don’t want to believe it, you are what dreams are made of.. but you are also so much more than that.  You remind me of my favorite flower, one with a significant meaning. ec8aad0d-174c-41b1-83b7-8626e5959129

Can you guess why this flower means so much to me? It isn’t complicated. ♥

Til next time… Have a beautiful night.

One thought on “Dear Diary~

Add yours

  1. Really enjoyed this side of you! I know the feeling; I used to have it all the time. Now, I tell them. They don’t respond positively, but I feel better having said something.
    Btw, you normally make 1 or 2 small type-os in your posts. Nothing big; nothing to worry about. But I noticed here- not one! You were really into this one!
    Scott

    Like

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