Wasteland…

The female body is said to be a vessel. A sacred vessel that brings to the world new life. It is this very fact that a woman goes above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to carrying said life. She will take pills, and vitamins, go to the doctor regularly and even buy new lingerie to trick you into fertilizing her egg….

They bring fourth a new life, and whether the sperm donor sticks around to be a father or disappears, or leaves the turkey  baster with her… She will raise this child to best of her ability, and maybe, she will provide for the world a new vessel.

I look around and I see many great mom’s running around with their children. My sister is one of them, she tries so hard to take care of her babies. Her children are well behaved and beautiful. She is the type of mother and woman I aspire to be…

There were also women, who take their vessel for granted, they bring life, with no intention of nurturing the life they have brought out…. Do these women not know, that there some women out there…Who would kill to be able to do what they have done? To give life, to be the sacred vessel. Some women will never be such a vessel…

I am one such woman. I was blessed, with a fucked up cycle, (7 months off, 5 months on). Fertile as all get out but can’t carry a baby to term. My body is literally a Desert wasteland, where potential humans go to die…before they even have a chance to breathe, or see the sun, a flower, listen to music, know the feeling of unconditional love.. They will never have the chance to ask why..

I found out, When I was just 18 that I would probably never safely carry a child to term. But that never stopped me from trying. For many many many years I held on to the dream, that I would one day be married, and bear a child, be the wife that every man deserves. Produce an heir and fulfill my duty as a sacred vessel. Unfortuneately for me, this is not a miracle story where I had an immaculate conception or took a miracle pill, rubbed a lamp and all my dreams came true.

Just a few days ago, I miscarried. It was the longest my body had been able to contain a child.. 4 months… 4 months, I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I hadn’t had my cycle since February, So I didn’t think it would even be possible, But like so many times before. My body rejected the baby, and just like every time prior…It almost killed me. I begged doctors, only to stop the bleeding, to not make it so I had no chance of every fulfilling my duty as a woman. They had to rip out my uterus, tie up my tubes, a full blown hysterectomy, and I’m not even 30 yet. I will never know this specific joy.

My body is now a barren wasteland, and the pain is real. I’ve fought so hard, always told myself, I would be able to carry one healthy child into this world, just one. I wanted to prove science wrong. However it doesn’t work. I failed. Epically… At first, I thought It was a bad thing, that I would be forever deemed as a loser, only a half woman, a half wife.

Until I was talking to my knight in Shiny armor… Ok, he was in a ninja suit, ha (Long story). He reminded me, that just because I can’t do one thing, doesn’t mean I cant do all of the others. He reminded me that I can adopt one of the babies from the mothers who don’t want their children. That the right man will come around who understands, and will be onboard with adoption. That I was meant to love the babies who otherwise aren’t being loved. It was  the great creators plan all along. He’s not wrong, while I would love a biological child, I did always want adopt a child as well to love as my own when no one else would. (* note: I am aware that is not always the reason children are given up^.^) Or to give them the home their mother couldn’t..

 

My body may be a wasteland but my heart is not.

4 thoughts on “Wasteland…

  1. There are no words I can say to ease the pain of your loss. But I am glad that your knight came along to offer you hope. For there is always hope. I pray that you will be the mother you deserve to be. There is more to being a mother than giving birth – Stephen.

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    1. Very true and I’ve known that since I was told I would never be able to but that part of me kept trying until I couldn’t anymore it was depressing, but since I already knew it was my fate I moved on rather quickly I mean it still sucks, but that just means I can give all my love to a baby that needs it 😀 It will be a year before I can adopt probably but it will be worth the wait I think ^.^ Thank you so much for your kind words.

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